Coming in Last

Mantithesis #2: Losing is better than winning.

Jesus’ teachings in the New Testament make it clear that anyone who wants to be first in the Kingdom of God must fight to be last here and now. This is a teaching that has been extensively expounded on, explained, and dissected by people with incredible knowledge and wisdom. However, the great thing about Scripture is that God has the power to make it pierce the heart of any reader, regardless of the type of background a person has, so here's what this teaching is doing in my heart.

Like most people, I absolutely hate coming in last. Well, I hate coming in last in things at which I know I am skilled, or in activities I find valuable. Long ago I came to terms with my lack of athletic prowess. Growing up, a boy’s ability on the field or court was what defined his value in the eyes of his peers. Fortunately, we live in a world in which athletic ability has very little real world value once we reach adulthood. So, for a relatively short time, I dealt with the shame of being terrible at sports. In one PE class, I remember vividly the day in which we were playing flag football, and I pulled the flag of my own team mate running to score a touchdown. For an outrageously brief moment, I felt a sense of accomplishment. Very quickly, my mistake became evident, and I believe in that moment, I decided to stop caring about winning in sports. I knew I was terrible, I had no hope of improving, and decided to stick with what I was good at: school. I was a beast on the math team, earning awards almost weekly at the math meets my jr. high team would attend. I was involved in every advanced class possible, skipping a grade in math, qualifying for the gifted reading class, and eventually kicking butt and taking names in AP classes, completely owning the SATs, becoming valedictorian, and earning a full ride academic scholarship to the University of Texas. On the field, I was an embarrassment, but in the classroom, I crushed the competition, and did not lack an ounce of pride in my intelligence. I have the same competitive drive a football player may have, except my accomplishments don’t play out in front of a stadium of people, which is fine. Winning is winning, whether it’s broadcast to millions, or just known by me and the losers.

I seem to have carried this mindset into my marriage, which is a recipe for disaster and heartbreak. It isn't that I enjoy competing with my wife over who is the most intelligent, but forcing myself to put her desires over my own sometimes proves difficult. I don’t like being last, but Jesus makes it clear that we’re supposed to fight for the bottom rung in life. My wife and I should be competing for last place in our home and, more often than not, I allow her to win that battle. She makes the most concessions, allowing me to have my way much more than she gets hers. Additionally, my over confidence in my intelligence moves me to be outrageously stubborn in any form of discussion based on feelings. In my book, facts outweigh feelings and, without saying it in so many words, I sometimes think that her feelings are wrong. If she’s feeling that I don’t express my love verbally enough, I am quick to dismiss this as being too sensitive. The problem is, feelings are feelings, and there really is no right or wrong. It’s like telling someone they’re wrong for not liking broccoli; it lacks any form of logical basis. I enjoy showing my love through doing things for Kristen, but she would much rather me show love through saying encouraging words. In my mind, this is wrong because I believe physical acts have so much more value than words. Talk is cheap, and I have had one too many people say things that they didn't mean. It takes effort to do something for someone, but takes little thought at all to say a kind word. Therefore, in my book, actions speak louder than words. This, however, is an opinion, and not a fact. Logic dictates to me that physical acts hold a higher value than verbal acts, so I believe Kristen is wrong for appreciating my words more than my actions. However, the only person wrong in this exchange of logic and feelings is me.

As men, we all have a drive to excel in something. Even the laziest and most immature men want to be the best at a video game, or win meaningless debates in a Facebook comment war. We all find the things we're good at, and seek to demolish the competition, finding identity in whatever it is that we excel at. Jesus, the ultimate antithesis to what culture deems worthy taught that we are to fight for last place, and this begins in our home. If true men are winners, then we need to start winning at being last place with our wives, families, and roommates.