Don't be so sure of yourself

Mantithesis #7: Faith in God, not confidence in yourself, is what truly matters. 

Confidence is everything. If you want the job, the girl, the spot on that team, etc., everything hinges on how much confidence you have in yourself. This is the understanding of how the world operates. On the surface, I fully agree with this concept. Job interviews full of the words "um" or "I dunno" will not end favorably. So, in order to operate in the worldly realm, confidence in yourself is key.

However, because the way the world functions often influences the way Christ follower function, I think this sentiment has bled over into the spiritual realm; a place in which it is nothing but detrimental. "Confidence" is nowhere to be found on the list of fruits of the Spirit outlined in Galatians 5:22-23;

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law." (HCSB)

We could talk for days about the different ways in which the Spirit presents itself in believers, but the one I find most relevant to this topic of discussion is "faith." Faith is similar to confidence, but the subtle difference between the two concepts is vital for the man after God's own heart. Confidence is the trust that, through your own abilities, you will succeed. Faith is the trust that, through God's power, the Kingdom will succeed. Confidence in the work place is good; confidence in regards to your spiritual life will lead to your downfall.

Samson is one person from whom we can learn about the danger of confidence. Through God's gifting, Samson was the Chuck Norris of the Israelite people. Besides killing a lion, he once destroyed an entire army with a donkey's jawbone. I'm sure there is some sort of incredible spiritual insight about his weapon of choice, but I'll have to ponder that a little longer. Samson was a guy who was strong, and he knew it. For whatever reason, he falls in love with a Philistine woman who, after accepting a bribe to find out the secret to his strength, eventually discovers that cutting his hair will lead to his downfall. The woman asks for the secret several times, to which Samson responds each time with a lie. Each time he deceives her, a group of men come and try to capture him by utilizing the false information he gave to her. Eventually, he gives in and finally tells her the truth. This is something that always really confused me; if he knew the secret to his strength, and the woman proved several times that she was going to use the information to have him captured, why did he finally share the truth? My guess is that his confidence in himself led to his downfall. For most of his life, Samson lived under the belief that his strength was the supernatural gift of God, which he would keep as long as his hair was never cut. But really, how could all of your strength leave with a simple cut of a knife? This thought surely crossed the mind of Samson once or twice, and it may have been what led to him sharing the information with the woman. He had defeated entire armies; with or without his hair, he probably felt he could defend himself from anyone.

Unfortunately for Samson, God's power was proven when Samson's strength immediately left him when the woman cut his hair. And, in the end, Samson went out with a blaze of glory by tearing down a building with one final show of God-given strength, killing himself and the Philistines inside. Samson's confidence in himself led to his downfall, and the same can happen to you.

It is one thing to be confident in yourself, and an entirely different thing to have faith in God. Confidence is all about leaning on your own ability, intelligence, and strength to be successful. It is a pillar of masculinity in the eyes of the world. However, masculinity in the eyes of God is based on your trust in God to accomplish His will through you.

I can't say that I have a great deal of faith, but I did recently move 1500 miles away from the state in which I spent the first quarter century of my life. At no point was I confident in my own ability to land on my feet. I know that the success of this move depends entirely on God's ability to accomplish His plan through me. The world would tell me to be confident and I will be successful. The problem with this is, success is selfish. It means money, happiness, comfort, etc. Confidence leads to worldly success, which I don't need. Faith leads to eternal success, which is the expansion of the Kingdom.

According to the world's standards, moving across the country with little confidence in myself was the opposite of manly. Based on scripture, and what I've learned from my relationship with God, moving across the country based entirely on the faith that God will use my obedience to accomplish His will, is the definition of masculinity. Confidence in yourself has no eternal payoff; faith in God to do His will through you leads to Kingdom impact.

Turn the other cheek

Mantithesis #6: Make choices that decrease conflict.

Somewhere along the way, it became feminine to be peaceful. Any man that chooses the path of least resistance is often viewed as weak, which causes many guys to make choices that increase conflict, as opposed to decreasing it. I could take the time to write out any number of real life examples of men reacting in ways that cause conflicts to become more severe, but the reality of this truth is everywhere. Even in your own life there are probably several instances you can think of when you reacted to a situation in a way that made the problem worse.

In both Matthew and Luke, Jesus is quoted as saying "turn the other cheek." If this idiom is new to you, then welcome to the world! Being born yesterday, your ability to read already is truly a miracle. This saying is so common that, regardless of your faith, you have heard it more than once in your life. If you attend a Christian church, you have probably heard many intelligent men expound upon the Bible text in which it is found, so I have no intention of boring you with more of that. However, I do want to point out that the root of what Jesus said is that we should make choices that decrease the conflict in any and every situation. Right before this, he actually said, "do not resist an evil person," and "do good to those who hate you." Jesus didn't want us to simply ignore unfair treatment, but to actually do good in response to evil.

Most of this is probably not new to you, but the question is, has your understanding of this truth come to fruition in your actions? You know that Christ calls us to do good in response to evil, but do your choices reflect that knowledge? I would assume that you, like me, have a masculine pride that gets in the way of making choices that decrease conflict. Out of your fear of being seen as weak, you rarely, if ever, return good for evil done to you. The world says things like, "stick up for yourself," or "show them you won't stand for this sort of treatment," but Jesus literally said the exact opposite. 

In James 1, the half-brother of Jesus tells us to keep ourselves from being stained by the world. The problem with modern day ideas on masculinity is that most of the ideals reflect the culture's standards, not Christ's. We have allowed the world to stain our definition of what is manly, so instead of returning good for evil done to us, we do not hesitate to respond with choices that increase the conflict. The world calls this "being a man," while God calls this "being a sinner."

I know that many of you are thinking, "but what about justice? What if someone hurts my wife or my children?" I understand that we have a God-given role to protect our families, but how often do these situations actually impact the safety of you or your family? Our role is to love and support our families through the evil done to them, not to retaliate and "make them pay." Several times in scripture we are told to leave all the wrath to God. If someone has a gun pointed at your son, I don't think Jesus would advocate you pushing your daughter in front of the gunman as well in a "turn the other cheek" fashion. But in almost every situation when you, your wife, or your family is the victim of evil, it is not your place to retaliate or react in a way that increases the conflict. To be more manly, according to God, is to redeem when others would retaliate. When a relationship has gone sour because of someone's sin, take it in a step towards healing by choosing to do good. If more Christ following men would live by this principle of manliness, I think people would begin to see how radically different a life focused on God truly is.

Causes without benefit

Mantithesis #5: Fight the battles with no rewards

Throughout history, men have given their lives to fight for causes they truly believe in. In most situations, the cause centers on a particular kingdom or country. Men fight so that their families can live in a land where they will have the best life possible. This is absolutely noble and honorable, but there is a payoff for the man who is fighting. Ultimately, he and his family reap the benefits of the cause for which he fights. Few sane men would fight for a cause in which they get no benefit. Even mercenaries, who no one would consider honorable, still receive payment in the form of money for their services. Most men fight battles in which a direct benefit for them and/or their family is possible.

Although fighting for someone's family is admirable, I don't believe that God is pleased with those who only have the benefit of their next of kin in mind. This goes along the lines of what Jesus taught about in Luke 6:32-33. Humans like to brag on loving and doing good for those who love and do good to us. Jesus points out that there's nothing impressive about this. Even those who don't love Jesus know how to give good things back to those who do good to them. But how much more Christlike is it for a man to do good for someone who doesn't know him, or even hates him? This is truly what it means to fight for a noble cause, because there is no benefit for the one fighting. It is truly selfless, and it is the type of fight that I believe God really desires.

In Isaiah 58:6-7, God says this about fasting:

"Isn't the fast I choose: To break the chains of wickedness, to untie the ropes of the yoke, to set the oppressed free, and to tear off every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, to bring the poor and homeless into your house, to clothe the naked when you see him, and not to ignore your own flesh and blood?"

The Israelite people truly believed God was happy when they deprived themselves of food and other necessities. But God communicated His true joy was in seeing His people selflessly serve others, with no benefit for themselves.

This does not mean that God doesn't value men fighting for their families and friends, but what good is it if we spend our whole lives standing up only for those we are related to? How can men be more intentional about stepping up to defend people we don't know, or even those who hate us? This is something I'm struggling to incorporate into my life as I seek to truly become a man of God, and I don't doubt that many other men share the same difficulties as I in this area. We must seek out what is wicked, oppressive, and evil, and fight to eliminate these forces, whether we directly benefit from the victory or not. As men, we should be fighting battles with no rewards.  

A losing battle

Mantithesis #4: Take on challenges that seem impossible.

For many years it was probably considered manly to tackle projects, problems, and other things that seemed impossible. I think of the many wars fought that countries seemed destined to lose but, for one reason or another, the powers that be entered the fray, seeming to ignore the odds. Many war movies have glorified this mindset, but more often than not, the motivation was not because of bravery of valor, but simply because there was no other choice. I'm not saying that the men and women in the military are not brave, but in most cases, especially the ones about which movies are made, the leaders had no choice but to enter into a seemingly hopeless battle; the stakes were simply too high to opt out.

I'm arguing on a smaller level that the modern man simply will not tackle issues or challenges of importance if a victory is not almost guaranteed. We enter into professions which come naturally to us, we pursue women "in our league," and we rarely stretch ourselves to pursue a goal that seems out of our reach. I don't know if this mindset pervades because we don't like looking like idiots, or if it's some sort of self esteem issue, but I argue that true masculinity is defined by pursuing goals that seem impossible.

Now I'm not saying these goals should not be carefully considered, or that any stupid goal will do. My problem is that the modern man often completely ignores incredibly important goals because they think they will fail. Consider the idea of marriage. Today it seems like spending your entire life with one other person is absolutely impossible. Because of this, I would venture to say that many men enter marriage already holding divorce as a card that can (and probably will) be played when needed. Before they even start, many men expect to fail. Because of this, most men don't even start a marriage thinking it will succeed. At the alter, they say vows that are more like "I love you now" than "I'll love you forever." The promise to love someone till death seems impossible, but it's a goal that every married man should put at the top of his list. It seems like it will be a losing battle but, much like the wars countless governments have entered where defeat was sure, the stakes are simply too high to enter a marriage without the mindset of aiming for the impossible.

Most recently I faced this issue when asked to discuss with a student a specific sin area. This sin area is becoming more pervasive (and accepted) in our culture, and I have three people very close to me who have bought into the mindset that this sin is not really sin. When asked to talk with this student, who very much thinks along the lines of those three people close to me, I felt an immediate sense of defeat. What's the point in talking about something that the student obviously doesn't think is wrong? Is there any hope for Truth to stand up when the entire culture is standing against it? It seemed like a losing battle from the beginning, especially considering that people I have spent my entire life don't want to hear what I think the Bible clearly teaches on this area. If friends I've known for years haven't taken into consideration anything I've said on the subject, why on earth would a teenager I barely know listen? 

This mindset reveals a mode of operation I have to cut out of my life; instead of only taking on challenges I think I can accomplish, I must take on any challenge God throws my way when the stakes are too high to ignore. In our culture, men want to look successful, so they take on things within their ability. The difference between those guys and Christ followers is that the level of challenges we are capable of achieving is unlimited, as long as God is glorified. The same power that brought Jesus out of the grave lives in us, and this is the key to winning losing battles. We like to quote Philippians 4:13 for football games and such, but I think the underlying truth in this verse is that we can do anything through Christ, when it glorifies God.

God is presenting me with an opportunity to speak into a student's life about a sin area clearly depicted in Scripture. It seems like a lost cause, but a true man of God takes on these challenges, through Christ's power, for His glory. 

Boys will be boys

Mantithesis #3: Masculinity cannot be measured.

There is a car commercial in which a father and son are tossing a ball in their front yard. We first see the small boy fail to throw the ball very well, flailing a bit, using poor form, and completely missing his dad's glove. The father then throws the ball in exactly the same fashion, with pathetic form, releasing the ball with no sense of direction. I have no real understanding of the sales pitch they were trying to make, but I love this commercial, because that father will certainly be me. This dad is clueless about how to properly throw a ball, but is determined to help his son to the best of his ability. This commercial highlights the sentiment of the father's heart, even though his abilities are limited, which I think is true masculinity.

For thousands of years, each culture has had a fairly clear definition of what makes someone "a man." Most factors in measuring masculinity center on the abilities and characteristics deemed "manly." Throwing a ball, fixing a car, growing facial hair, having sex, lifting heavy things, etc. are all indications of how manly someone is in our culture. From this desire to measure masculinity have come all sorts of gender stereotypes most people adhere to, even if they don't care to admit it. I believe there are very specific gender roles in relationships, clearly defined in much of the Christian Bible, but we should be very careful about making someone feel less "like a man" because they lack a certain ability or trait. With the failure of most dads to love their children the way God intends, we have more and more boys growing into men without abilities that have traditionally been used to measure how masculine someone is. If a father fails to teach his son how to throw a ball, the basics of car maintenance, or the proper way to mow the lawn, the son is the one who is downgraded on the masculine scale. In my opinion, the only one failing as a man in these scenarios are the fathers who focus more on work than their kids, or choose to abandon their families when things get boring or difficult. Our society attacks the masculinity of the men who were never taught "manly" things, which leads to all sorts of issues.

According to the National Association of Research and Therapy for Homosexuality, some research indicates a close relationship between homosexual behavior, and failure of fathers.

- Men who marry homosexually are more likely to have been raised in a family with unstable parental relationships — particularly, absent or unknown fathers and divorced parents.

- Men and women with “unknown fathers” were significantly less likely to marry a person of the opposite sex than were their peers with known fathers

- The shorter the duration of parental marriage, the higher was the likelihood of homosexual marriage…homosexual marriage rates were 36% and 26% higher among men and women, respectively, who experienced parental divorce after less than six years of marriage, than among peers whose parents remained married for all 18 years of childhood and adolescence.

- Men whose parents divorced before their 6th birthday were 39% more likely to marry homosexually than peers from intact parental marriages.

Not only is the lack of "masculine" abilities and characteristics due in large part to fathers failing to pass these traits on, an absence of a father has a direct impact on the sexual orientation of children once they reach adulthood.

All this to say, many people believe masculinity is something that can be measured by the types of abilities or characteristics a man may have. My argument is that the abilities and characteristics that culture deems "manly" are failing to be passed on to children by fathers, leading some men to feel insecure in how masculine they are, and pushing some toward homosexual behaviors and lifestyle. The culture says that masculinity is based on abilities, behaviors, and certain characteristics, but the men of the Church have a very special opportunity to affirm boys and young men who lack these traditional characteristics, helping them to become confident in who they are as Christ followers. Galatians 2:20 says,

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Our identity is defined by Christ living in us, and the characteristics he portrayed are gender neutral, and should be molded into the lives of boys and men in our culture. We never see Christ lifting a boat that had fallen on a small child, or defeating the pharisees in a tense athletic competition. We see Christ loving, teaching, listening, caring, praying, feeding, healing, etc. True masculinity (and femininity) is defined by how closely we resemble Christ. A large amount of boys have spent many years feeling condemned for their interest in the arts, or lack of athletic ability, and the men in the church can start to turn this culture back to Jesus by affirming godly, gender neutral characteristics, toward which we should all be striving.

Coming in Last

Mantithesis #2: Losing is better than winning.

Jesus’ teachings in the New Testament make it clear that anyone who wants to be first in the Kingdom of God must fight to be last here and now. This is a teaching that has been extensively expounded on, explained, and dissected by people with incredible knowledge and wisdom. However, the great thing about Scripture is that God has the power to make it pierce the heart of any reader, regardless of the type of background a person has, so here's what this teaching is doing in my heart.

Like most people, I absolutely hate coming in last. Well, I hate coming in last in things at which I know I am skilled, or in activities I find valuable. Long ago I came to terms with my lack of athletic prowess. Growing up, a boy’s ability on the field or court was what defined his value in the eyes of his peers. Fortunately, we live in a world in which athletic ability has very little real world value once we reach adulthood. So, for a relatively short time, I dealt with the shame of being terrible at sports. In one PE class, I remember vividly the day in which we were playing flag football, and I pulled the flag of my own team mate running to score a touchdown. For an outrageously brief moment, I felt a sense of accomplishment. Very quickly, my mistake became evident, and I believe in that moment, I decided to stop caring about winning in sports. I knew I was terrible, I had no hope of improving, and decided to stick with what I was good at: school. I was a beast on the math team, earning awards almost weekly at the math meets my jr. high team would attend. I was involved in every advanced class possible, skipping a grade in math, qualifying for the gifted reading class, and eventually kicking butt and taking names in AP classes, completely owning the SATs, becoming valedictorian, and earning a full ride academic scholarship to the University of Texas. On the field, I was an embarrassment, but in the classroom, I crushed the competition, and did not lack an ounce of pride in my intelligence. I have the same competitive drive a football player may have, except my accomplishments don’t play out in front of a stadium of people, which is fine. Winning is winning, whether it’s broadcast to millions, or just known by me and the losers.

I seem to have carried this mindset into my marriage, which is a recipe for disaster and heartbreak. It isn't that I enjoy competing with my wife over who is the most intelligent, but forcing myself to put her desires over my own sometimes proves difficult. I don’t like being last, but Jesus makes it clear that we’re supposed to fight for the bottom rung in life. My wife and I should be competing for last place in our home and, more often than not, I allow her to win that battle. She makes the most concessions, allowing me to have my way much more than she gets hers. Additionally, my over confidence in my intelligence moves me to be outrageously stubborn in any form of discussion based on feelings. In my book, facts outweigh feelings and, without saying it in so many words, I sometimes think that her feelings are wrong. If she’s feeling that I don’t express my love verbally enough, I am quick to dismiss this as being too sensitive. The problem is, feelings are feelings, and there really is no right or wrong. It’s like telling someone they’re wrong for not liking broccoli; it lacks any form of logical basis. I enjoy showing my love through doing things for Kristen, but she would much rather me show love through saying encouraging words. In my mind, this is wrong because I believe physical acts have so much more value than words. Talk is cheap, and I have had one too many people say things that they didn't mean. It takes effort to do something for someone, but takes little thought at all to say a kind word. Therefore, in my book, actions speak louder than words. This, however, is an opinion, and not a fact. Logic dictates to me that physical acts hold a higher value than verbal acts, so I believe Kristen is wrong for appreciating my words more than my actions. However, the only person wrong in this exchange of logic and feelings is me.

As men, we all have a drive to excel in something. Even the laziest and most immature men want to be the best at a video game, or win meaningless debates in a Facebook comment war. We all find the things we're good at, and seek to demolish the competition, finding identity in whatever it is that we excel at. Jesus, the ultimate antithesis to what culture deems worthy taught that we are to fight for last place, and this begins in our home. If true men are winners, then we need to start winning at being last place with our wives, families, and roommates. 

BFF

Mantithesis #1: Best Friends Forever are not just for girls

Recently Justin Timberlake enjoyed a week long stint as a guest on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Throughout the week, it was apparent that the two genuinely liked each other, and their friendship was evident. As I watched these men create hysterical skits and display an outrageous amount of talent, I couldn't help but be jealous of them. At first I had trouble discerning of whom I was most jealous; Jimmy for getting to have fun with JT, or Justin for having the incredible opportunity of playing along with Jimmy, one of the funniest men on television today. Although I love my life, it would be hard to turn down an offer to be one of these men for the rest of my time on earth. Here we have two high caliber stars, with an incredible amount of talent, and they got to spend an entire week together just having fun in front of a studio audience. Through it all, I could see that they were genuinely close friends, and I like to think that they share a close bond. For some reason I fantasized about the text messages they may send back and forth; nothing serious, but just a funny thought, or an idea for a skit. I'd like to believe that they share thoughts and feelings with each other, encouraging each one in the various endeavors he may be taking on in the entertainment business.

For many, the concept of grown men being best friends is the antithesis of manhood. Over the decades, Hollywood has done an incredible job of glamorizing the strong, brave, independent hero. In the past half century, this has been most notably displayed in the James Bond series. Here we have a guy who doesn't show an ounce of vulnerability, and is rewarded with driving awesome cars, wearing outstanding formal wear, and garnering the attention of any lady who has the gift of eye sight. Any man with a drop of testosterone in his veins would envy at least part of the James Bond persona. The problem is, this reveals the pervasive attitude that if a man has a close friend with whom he shares life, he is weak, or dependent. I think that men who follow Christ have the unique opportunity to flip this outdated formula for masculinity on its head.

The Bible is full of bromance; Jesus was the ultimate BFF for 12....er...11 men in particular. But aside from our Savior, there were countless other tight bonds between men depicted in the Bible, most notably David and Jonathan. Jonathan's dad was King Saul who, because he was an idiot, disobeyed God and completely lost His favor. David was anointed as the next King of Israel, and Saul straight up lost his mind, going on a rampage against David, chasing him across the country much like Wile E. Coyote and the road runner. David was always a step ahead because God was in His favor, and Saul rapidly digressed into a mental case. However, through all this, Jonathan and David were extremely close, even though Jonathan risked death himself at the hands of his father in order to remain loyal to David. 

There has been a great deal of emphasis on "Biblical Manhood" in recent years, but I think almost everyone overlooks the intense need men have for a significant same gender friendship. Some of the most encouraging times of my life have been with Christian guys, speaking truth and wisdom to me, and ending a conversation by hugging it out. Our culture deems these relationships as feminine, but I argue that the antithesis of manhood is being a loner. If true men are brave, then courage is most obviously displayed in the man who shares his life openly with a brother.